Lack of Color
by Goddess of Scandinavia
Summary: Based on LolliDictator's manuals. When her grandmother had told her she was getting a bodyguard, she had expected a dog. Instead she got a five-foot eleven Russian. Self-Insert. NO PAIRING. Hiatus.
1. Bodyguard

I was bored.

Based on LolliDictator's manuals.

* * *

It was only then that it had suddenly occurred to Monika that maybe, just _maybe,_ her grandmother was a tad too worried about her and her constant need for adventure. Monika had always identified herself as an explorer ever since she had read the novel 'Coraline' in fourth grade, and she prided herself with the extensive knowledge of her grandmother's extremely messy garage. She had even once built a fort out of her old mattress that she had used as a toddler, moving boxes, and the box they kept the Christmas tree in. And she had spent many an afternoon lazily rolling about inside with a blanket, flashlight, and a good book. Unfortunately, her grandmother was worried that the box they kept the Christmas tree in would collapse in on her and squish her little head into pudding, so she had the maid destroy her, as she now just decided to call it , "Fortress of Solitude" (even thought it had been years since the incident, and back then, she wasn't even into Superman; only the show 'Smallville'). Even so, Monika continued to explore the garage until she was simply too old, lazy, and busy to bother herself with doing so.

And yet, Monika could understand her grandmother's point of view (despite still being extremely angry over the fort incident), and would always comply with her demands so as to not worry her.

But this…

This was ridiculous.

Her grandmother had said _something_ about getting her some form of protection for when she felt like going outside for whatever reason. But Monika had assumed she would buy her a dog (she had wanted a Collie or German Shepherd, even though she still loved the little one-eyed dog that lived with her grandmother). Instead, what she got was a fairly huge box sitting in front of her. Or maybe it was a crate, seeing as that it was made of wood, with heavy-duty chains wrapped around it so as not to let anything (or anyone) out. Attached to it was a minute plastic bag with what appeared to be a manual inside of it. Monika, being the fairly impatient person that she is, immediately tore the bag up and snatched the booklet into her Sharpie stained hands (She had been messing around earlier in Theatre class with Hunter that day). As soon as she laid eyes on the cover, she began to giggle hysterically at her grandmother's choice of 'bodyguard'. Beside her, the one-eyed dog, named Chirifu, gazed at her through curly white hair (that was in definite need for a haircut) before settling himself down again. She cooed at him and scratched his head before squatting down beside him and turning her attention and focus back to the box in question. It's not that she wasn't happy with her grandmother's choice, it just really took her by surprise. She had been so busy with dancing and schoolwork that she didn't really have time to read or watch her beloved Axis Powers Hetalia. Sure, she browsed for fanart here and there, but she would always be distracted by something. Idly, she skimmed through the manual; mentally scoffing to herself and thinking, 'I don't need a manual, I can HANDLE THIS.' She stood up and was about to bust open the crate with her non-existent SUPAPOWAZ, when she decided to stop and think.

"You know," she began; not really speaking to anyone, "Maybe I really should read that manual." Chirifu looked up at her, and she nodded to him.

She gazed at the very first page, making sure to mentally highlight anything that might deem useful in the near future. She had gone ecstatic when she read that this particular 'unit' (as the book called it) came with military and history memorabilia. But it died down when she read that it came with alcohol, something that she was not comfortable with. After debating whether or not to take out the vodka bottles before waking him up (she decided not to, for fear of enraging the unit), she scanned the safe-proven methods of getting her particular unit out of his box.

While torturing the poor thing by impersonating his younger sister seemed like a delightful idea to Monika at first, her conscience wouldn't let her do it. And the second method seemed way to dangerous for Monika to handle. She pondered over the third choice, which involved cooking Chinese food; one of her favourite things. Her grandmother _did_ have some leftovers from P.F. Chang's, she could just put some in the microwave and be done with it! Then again, it seemed like all of the options put her in the face of danger…

She sighed and patted Chirifu on the head. What was her grandmother thinking? Leaving her alone with such a violent "protector". She had probably only typed in "bodyguard" in the search engine at the company website and clicked on the one who would probably be the scariest. 'Wait,' thought Monika, 'Can my grandma even use a computer?' The thought did not stay with her for long because Chirifu sneezed and brought her out of her daze. She sighed for what seemed like the hundredth time today and stood up while apologising to the unit, even though she knew it couldn't hear her.

She cleared her throat and tried to project just as her acting teacher had taught her to do, "Брат."

Immediately, the box began to shake furiously as if there were an earthquake. inside Choked sobs, and tiny mutters of 'GO HOME!' were heard, and guilt filled Monika's mind as Chirifu began to growl at the crate in question. She sauntered over and, quite carefully, removed the chains before throwing them into the corner to be retrieved later. She took a deep breath before pulling on the top with all her might. It came off with a soft 'pop', and she looked inside to see an exact replica of one of her favourite characters. The man in question peeked out from behind his sleeve, eyes filled with pure fear, before curiosity and relief replaced it.

"Ah, you are not Natalia."

Monika shook her head, trying to remember the very small amounts of Russian she knew, "Нет"

He looked extremely happy, and Monika stuck out her hand to introduce herself (once again in her broken Russian), "Меня зовут Моника; I can't actually speak Russian, but I'm trying to learn."

He smiled before shaking her hand (rather tightly, she noted), before introducing himself, "Ah, Меня зовут Иван."

"Ivan," Monika repeated, as if just getting used to the sound, "I can tell that we're going to be friends."

* * *

It was kinda weird writing about myself in third person, but I wanted to be a little different from all the other fics about LolliDictator's manuals.

P.S. if you get where I got the very last sentence, you get…I don't know; what do you want?


	2. Oh Hello

Ugh. I had this chapter all typed up on my laptop but it decided to be mean to me and not turn on it's monitor. Oh well. I'm on the gaming PC right now; so no WORD ):

* * *

While Monika was busy fangirling and planning her revenge on the girls who she did not like in middle school, Ivan was busy wandering about the house. It was big, not as big as his, but he was still fairly impressed. He had looked downstairs into Monika's grandfather's library, the living room (which was bordered with tiny little fences to keep the dog out), and was just about to head on upstairs had he not heard Monika scoff rather angerly. So instead of opening the door, he headed on downstairs followed by Chirifu; who no longer growled at him, but instead followed him around as if he was an old friend. Monika, meanwhile, was reading something in the manual and was looking very ticked off. She did not hear Ivan come and sit down across from her at the kitchen table, but her annoyance masked her surprised.

"What is wrong?"

Monika, quite happy to have someone to rant to, began half-yelling, "It's your manual. It says that a method of waking you up is to shout 'America landed on the moon!'"

Ivan twitched slightly at the rather unhappy memory, but Monika ignored it, "But the Cold War is over! You're not a communist anymore!" she threw her hands up dramatically, as if to make her point clearer.

Then she began to name dates, technicalities, and other things to further prove her point. But Ivan wasn't listening, as he was still quite surprised to find someone so young to be interested in History. He could tell that she had spent many a night reading and watching the History Channel instead of doing her Math homework (which, Ivan noted, was left undone on the table beside him). Ivan had once watched the History Channel. Ironically, it was with America. Something about the first McDonald's opening in Moscow after the Cold War had ended...Ivan shivered in disgust. He did not want to remember the unfortunate pleasure he had of tasting one of America's burgers. Instead, he finally decided to start listening to the girl in front of him. Monika, however, had long finished her rant on Karl Marx and the 1990's, and was busying herself with searching for something to snack on in the refrigerator. After all, she didn't eat breakfast. Or lunch (even though she promised her grandmother she would). So instead Ivan was content on staring at the back of her head until she turned around; which she did eventually, seeing as she was quite paranoid at this point.

Monika, not liking awkward silences, decided to break the ice, "Ivan, would you like to accompany me to the grocery store?" After all, her grandmother did get him for a reason. And she felt like going out.

Ivan nodded, "Да." before getting up and towering over Monika and smiling a smile that seemed too innocent and happy to be on his face.

She was about to smile back, had she not noticed that he still had his long winter coat on.

"Wait." she said, "It's too hot outside to be wearing that."

x

"Okay, can you gimme a boost, please?"

Ivan nodded and lifted Monika up on his shoulders so she could get a better look of the shelves nailed to the walls. They were in the garage, looking through her father's and uncle's old clothes to see if there was anything that could possibly fit the six foot tall Russian. While Monika was muttering about how she could get used to being this tall, Ivan noticed that she wasn't wearing any shoes, and was in fact barefoot. He also noted that she had painted her toe nails a bright blue. It reminded him of his older sister's eyes...

"AHA!" Monika shouted triumphantly as she pulled out a rather large, white dress shirt from a blue Tupperware bin, "Russia, you think this'll fit you?"

She handed it down to Ivan, who carefully looked over it before nodding to himself. It would do for now, "Да."

Monika smiled but soon frowned because Ivan had taken her off his shoulders, and she had missed being that high up. But she shrugged it off, and began leading Ivan to the door; carefully avoiding the twenty or so computer monitors her grandfather had placed there, the mountains of clothes that used to belong to her aunt, and what she called a small plateau of her old childhood toys. Ivan followed suit, eyes wandering over her old toys.

Monika pointed to the door at the end of the laundry room, "You can change there, it's a bit small though."

Ivan nodded his thanks before brushing past her and sliding open the bathroom door. Monika, meanwhile, turned off the light and locked the door to the garage. She then walked into the kitchen and began looking for her old, smelly sneakers. They turned out to be under the table, where they usually are. She was glad that she was home alone, so she wouldn't have to explain a huge 5'11 Russian man in her grandmother's home. Just as she was lacing up her last shoes, Ivan came out of the bathroom; His coat and shirt he was wearing were in his arms. She instructed him to just leave it on the chair to be washed later, and resisted the urge to sneek a peak at one of his many medals and badges from the Russian Military. She ignored the fact that Ivan was still wearing his scarf (she had read somewhere that if he took it off, it would kill him), and instead she pocketed her wallet and began walking towards the front door. Ivan followed her, having been quite excited about going outside ever since Monika had told him that she lived in a fairly warm place.

Monika turned off all the lights and quickly opened the door. Immediately, a bright and hot light engulfed them both; Monika, who was used to the desert heat, just shrugged it off and walked outside. Ivan, however, took a longer time before stepping outside for Monika to close the door with her keys. She reminded herself to change her current keychain, as the Eiffel Tower one her aunt gave her from when she went to Paris was getting old. She turned around to see Ivan looking at the roses planted in front of her grandmother's house. Monika smiled, because he reminded her of a little boy. And, despite what she would tell you, Monika loved children.

"Come on Ivan, duty calls."

x

It had been a much shorter walk than Monika remembered. It was probably the company, because she seemed to remember the long walks to school to be antagonizing and stupid. Very stupid actually, and she avoided it at all costs. Except when she was walking home with friends. Then Monika remembered that she had no friends. Well except for Larsa. Larsa was her friend. At least..._she_ thought she was.

In any case, they both had made it to the grocery store without attracting too much attention, and that's all Monika really wanted. Upon entering, she grabbed one of those red, plastic baskets by the door and wandered over to the flowers. Quickly and efficiently, she picked up a bouquet and placed it in her basket before turning around to find some chocolate. Well she would have, had not Ivan been blocking her way. She looked up at him as he started laughing that infamous 'kolkolkol' of his. Nervous, she asked him if something was wrong.

"You have sunflowers, Да." he smiled.

Monika looked down at the bright flowers before turning back to Ivan, "They're for my cousin. Her birthday is coming up, and sunflowers are her favourite." She shifted her weight back and forth, trying not to tremble under his gaze. Ivan was intrigued, but only continued to stare at poor little Monika. He wanted those sunflowers, and by God, he was going to get them. Suddenly, a cold, scary, and purple aura surrounded Ivan as he tried to scare Monika into buying him some sunflowers of his own.

"B-But I barely have any money-"

"KOLKOLKOL-"

"Okay okay, keep your panties on!" she snapped at him as she swiped another bouquet from the rack. Ivan's cheerful attitude came back, and he gladly followed Monika into the snack section. All while pretending not to notice the bizarre stares people were shooting at them and the mutterings of 'stupid overgrown psychopathic manchild' coming from Monika's mouth.

After picking up a bar of Toblerone chocolate (Monika's favourite), Ivan once again scared Monika into buying him something. That something being sunflower seeds and some sort of strange mushroom chips that came from Ukraine or something like that...

"_Oye Monika!"_

Monika twitched and froze, before turning around and facing Bianca: a girl who was not quite her friend but not quite _not_ her friend. She wandered over to where Monika was standing by the lettuce batches and immediately questioned her about the huge Russian behind her.

"_¿Podrías creer que mi abuelita me lo compro para mi cumpleanos?" _Monika answered skeptically, not really knowing how to answer her.

Bianca laughed, obviously not believing it.

Ivan, meanwhile, disobeyed Monika and opened his bag of sunflower seeds and began eating them whilst she was distracted by the short girl. All while watching the show going on before him. He could tell that Monika was very uncomfortable with the situation, and he was quite enjoying seeing her suffer. Eventually, the girl left them alone, and Monika sighed with relief.

"You know," she began, "You're a lot more trouble than you're worth." she sighed once more for the millionth time today and grabbed a whole bunch of lettuce to munch on later.

Ivan noted that she seemed to be talking more to herself rather than to him.

_'She really is a funny girl.'_ he thought to himself as she yelled at him to get moving.

* * *

bam. that was quick.

there's something...iffy about this chapter. I don't know what it is. I'll fix it later.


	3. Dread

I really need to stop cranking these out and actually start my homework.

* * *

It had been around half an hour since Monika and Ivan had gotten back, twenty-eight minutes since she took a look at a slip that she had left forgotten in Ivan's manual, and twenty-five minutes since she started freaking out and curling into what she likes to call 'The Party Escort Submission Position'. Ivan was just cheerfully watching while eating his food and cradling the flowers he had scared Monika into buying. Of course he knew about what was going to happen, but his childish cruelty decided to forget about telling Monika anything about getting yet another 'unit'. Though it really was quite fun to see her cursing and throwing a tantrum as if she was schizophrenic. Which she wasn't, despite popular belief, because she was actually quite sane. Questionable maybe, but all together mentally healthy.

"_POOORRRRQUUUUEEE?" _she whined, kicking her legs up and down.

Ivan giggled, obviously enjoying Monika's pain. She had been the one in a million winner of even _more_ free units, the next one was coming in less than three days. The delivery man would have told her this...had she actually seen the delivery man. She was asleep on the couch as she usually was when coming home from school, when her grandmother woke her up saying that she and her aunt would be going out to eat or shop or whatever women did in their free time. She remembered mumbling her response and digging deeper into the stiff cushions of the couch (they didn't used to be stiff, but her other aunt had them re-stuffed and cleaned). When she woke up, she had found the crate.

Monika was now muttering about divine retribution and that maybe she had done something bad to her cousin in a former life, or maybe it was this life seeing that she used to (and still does) pick on her. Chirifu was asleep on his little round bed, as he was used to this having known Monika since birth and vise versa.

"...Ivan..." she finally said, turning her head to the side to gaze at him sitting on the stairs, "Do you know who the next unit is?"

He shook his head and continued eating. Monika groaned in what she liked to call 'despair', but was really just an melodramatic sigh. She had been doing that a lot lately...sighing. Well knowing her grandmother, she probably thought that just ONE protector was not enough and had entered to buy more...that is if she actually knows how to use a computer...Monika hoped it would be a girl, seeing that she really couldn't possibly stand more male testosterone anywhere near her. And she only just started thinking about just _where_ she would keep Ivan. There was no way he'd be sleeping in her and her father's apartment as he was away on business. And then there was to be more units, and then when her father came back and she would be in her own home again...where would the others sleep?

"Russiaaaaa," Monika whined, "Tell me it's going to be okay."

Ivan smiled, "Нет."

x

It had been two days.

Two horrible, horrible days.

Monika was sitting in front of the door, banging her head against it whilst Ivan was looking through one of the many books that she kept in her backpack. He was quite proud to find out that Dostoevsky was one of her favourite writers, and when he did find out, he proceeded to lecture her about all of his famous writers. Which caused Monika's brain to overload with too much information at one time. Ivan then decided to do it more often, as he found that bullying Monika was too much fun to give up. And since Monika had long since given up on trying to keep Ivan away from her stuff, he had pretty much gone through everything. Her sketchbooks, photo albums, school work, and once she caught him attempting to look at her stuff in the computer.

Plus there was the very first night that Ivan had slept on the white couch in the living room; officially stealing Monika's spot, leaving her to sleep on the floor. He kept on shuffling around and getting up to get a glass of milk or juice. It was worse when she came home from school, because Ivan was always restless and eager to go outside into the warm sun (which wasn't really warm seeing that it was winter). Monika would have definitely preferred getting a dog over Ivan, seeing that they were practically the same thing. The strange part is that nobody in the house had seemed to have noticed Ivan. Not even her grandmother, which was weird because Monika had been going outside a lot more than usual...

_"BUUUZZZZZZ"_

'OH SHIT.' Monika's thought as her "SHIT JUST GOT REAL" alarm went off.

She stopped banging her head against the door and walked into the kitchen to gaze through the window to confirm her hunch, "Yep." she said to noone, "It's the deliveryguy, ohh boy."

Ivan just stared at her and continued to browse through the book in his hands; it was obvious to him that his writers were a hundred times better than America's. He really didn't see why Monika even bothered to read them. Of course Ivan, in all his collected thinking, failed to realise that he had voiced his opinions outloud. But Monika brushed off the fact that he was essentially calling her an idiot and pushed past him to open the door.

Ah, there was the dreaded crate. Oh, and the deliveryman who looked like he hadn't slept in days.

"Sign here." he said, handing Monika the clipboard and a pen that was running out of ink. Monika had once read somewhere that if you're holding a clipboard, people are most likely going to listen to you and obey what you say. Carefully, she turned around and said, "Ivan, quit looking through my stuff."

While Ivan had no idea why Monika had suddenly started to oppose him again, he decided to humour her and droped the Anne Rice book back into her lavender backpack with that creepy smile of his.

_'Sweet.' _thought Monika as she quickly scribbled her signature on the paper and handed the clipboard back to the man.

"I see you have a doctor's signature." he commented as he looked at the curly lines and what looked like two big 'M's on the dotted line.

Monika shrugs her response, "It changes every time."

The deliveryman nods before asking if she needed any help bringing the box in.

"Nah, I got it." said Monika whilst sneaking a glance at Ivan, who was occupied with petting Chirifu.

x

"Heyyyy, lookie here." Monika said as Ivan looked over her shoulder curiously, "I guess I got lucky...I think..."

"Why?" Ivan askes, missing Monika's anxiety and nervousness.

"What we have in our hands is my second favourite character." she said whilst scratching her ear, "...Though I'm not too sure if that's a good thing or not..."

"Why?"

Monika shrugged, "Because this here 'unit' might prove to be quite the little handful." she pointed to the cover of the manual.

_**"VASH ZWINGLI: User Guide and Manual "**_

_Oh boy._

* * *

I wish I had something to say... ._.


	4. And Swissy Makes Three, Or Not

After a couple of minutes of breezing through the manual and swatting Ivan's hand away from her sunflower hair clip, Monika decided to just open the box and reprogram directly. Besides, she didn't have a unit of his sister, or Prussia, not to mention that she couldn't play the piano _nearly_ as good enough as Austria. Though, she thought, it would be hard to resist poking him. Strangely enough, Monika had the habit of voicing her thoughts outloud as well, so Ivan suggested,

"Why don't you just take out a gun and shoot at something?"

Monika turned around to look at the crate, "Nah, I've never shot a gun before...and the manual says that it doesn't have any bullets with him."

Ivan shrugged before wandering into the kitchen, "Suit yourself."

Monika stuck her tongue out at Ivan before carefully removing the crate top with the greatest of ease and looking down at the unit inside. He was asleep, as expected, and was cradling one of the firearms as if it were a teddy bear. Monika decided to take a picture with her phone camera before waking him up to use later; probably for blackmail and the like. She then gently shook him awake by his shoulders, making sure not to seem like she was attacking him. She noticed that he had woken up, but had kept his eyes shut, just to make sure that there wasn't any danger. Monika made a mental note to ask him to teach her how to do that later. Then, after a few more seconds of pretending to be asleep, Vash (better known as Switzerland) decided to open his eyes and peer suspiciously at Monika, who was resting her head on the edge of the crate much like a small child would.

"Hello," she began, deciding to get on his good side as fast as possible, "Would you like something to eat? We have cheese."

x

A painfully awkward silence hanged over the kitchen table.

Ivan was smiling cheerfully, happily eating the cheese omelet that he had forced- I mean ASKED NICELY for Monika to make. Monika herself was still chewing on her second bite, too busy pretending to be doing her homework to try and break the ice once more. Vash was glaring with suspicion at Ivan while keeping an eye on Monika. After a few more minutes, he cleared his throat,

"Erm, thank you for the food."

Monika, who was just so gosh darn happy that the pressure of the awkward silence was gone, nodded to Vash in appreciation. Sure, Ivan had thanked her many times, but he was so creepy and just overall intimidating that Monika couldn't really pay attention to anything, "No problem. Would you like some more?"

Vash nodded a bit more eagerly than he intended to, and Monika refrained from smiling. It had probably been a long time since he had eaten so much. Thankfully, Ivan wasn't feeling as peckish as Vash was today so there would be plenty of leftovers. Speaking of which, Monika really needed to continue playing her pokemon game...But that's not important. Once Monika set the plate down in front of Vash again, she sat down and actually started to do her homework. Well she would have had the door bell not suddenly rang.

It was another delivery man.

And another crate.

"WAIT NO WHAT?" Monika shouted, flailing into where Ivan was sitting and successfully falling out of her chair. Ivan, who was happy that Monika's anxiety came back, laughed at Vash's 'what the hell is she doing?' expression. Since she was busy hiding under the table with Chirifu (who was busy investigating whether Vash was a threat or not), Ivan took the liberty of getting up to answer the door. Vash was staring at Monika, who was murmuring about going into the 'Twilight Zone' or something of the like. It was actually a rather funny picture; a creepy Russian scaring the delivery man, a trigger-happy Swiss trying not to lose his temper, an obtuse teenager hiding under the table, and a one-eyed dog growling at the deliveryman. It reminded Monika of a ninety's sitcom that she had long forgotten, something about eating twenty-three really bad subs...

"It's Gilbert!" Ivan cheerfully shouted.

_"WHAT." _Monika and Vash both yelled simultaneously.

Monika immediately scurried out from under the table to keep Ivan from doing something stupid, while Vash's hunger quickly vanished at the thought of Prussia prancing around anywhere _near_ him. Ivan just kept on smiling and patting Monika on the head as if she were a dog while she sped through the manual. Vash peered over her shoulder (she was almost as tall as him, dammit), to see if this unit was capable of dieing or pain. Monika, meanwhile, was wondering if the company made a mistake and shipped two at once. Not that that mattered anymore, what she needed was a way for Prussia to behave yet be a distraction to Ivan so he could stop bullying her...

"Ivan," she began, throwing the book into Vash's face (she was lucky he didn't shoot women or children), "Go downstairs please."

Ivan stared at her for a bit before complying and heading downstairs with that terrible 'kolkolkolkolkol' laugh following him.

She thanked whatever god was watching over her, "Okay okay, Swissy!" Vash twitched, ignoring the nick-name and trying to control his temper, "I think I'm going to go with option three. That way, he can listen to us, but still cause Ivan a hard time."

Vash thought about this, and slowly nodded. He didn't need that damn Prussian bothering him with his shenanigans.

"Okay okay okay," she said, once more talking to herself, "Now all I need to do is remember some random Russian words..."

After a while, Monika finally remembered the weird Russian song she had found whilst browsing for BelarusxRussia fanart (though she had yet to tell Ivan that she liked that pairing), and began to speak as well as she could (which was not that well), "моей огpомной любви хватит нам двоим с головою . _"_

Déjà vu suddenly stroke Monika as the box began to tremble much like Ivan's box had when he thought she was his sister. She turned to Vash, who was secretly enjoying the poor Prussian's pain, and nodded to him like she had seen so many people in Japanese cartoons do. And they proceeded to carefully open the trembling box

"Oh." said Monika, who was not quite sure whether to be happy or not, "We got Girl-Version Gilbert."

Vash suddenly took back what he thought about not shooting women.

* * *

AH DAMN I'M ONE DAY LATTTEEE.


	5. Dead Space

Gilbert(a), once seeing that there was no Ivan around, immediately hugged both Vash and Monika with a cry of joy causing Monika to yelp (as she did NOT like physical contact) and Vash to tighten his grip on his rifle. Carefully, Monika patted the poor Prussian's head, muttering, "It's okay. It's okay", while Vash quietly reminded himself that even if he did cause a fight right then and there, he would have to pay for all the damages.

"Ah, hello _Калининградская_. It's been a long time. I trust you are well." Ivan's voice creeped over the heads of Vash and Monika to reach Gilbeta's ears. Almost instantaneously, she began raging and struggled against the grip of the trigger-happy Swiss, shouting curses in German and spitting at Ivan, who was still smiling happily. Monika briefly wondered why she was always alone in the house when the units made a racket…

In any case, it was quite a while before Monika could calm Gilberta down enough to introduce herself and for Gilberta to hit on both Vash and Monika, which caused Vash to (almost) punch a hole in the wall and Monika to mutter incoherently about her innocence.

Monika wondered how she would explain this all to her dear Dad. Who was coming home that night.

If somebody were to ask Monika who her favourite parent was, she would look at you strangely and ask whether having a second parent was even possible. She would then begin babbling about her father, who was quite possibly the center of Monika's universe. He was an immigration lawyer, and did cases for car accidents as well. But he was also a writer, a poet, a pianist, a guitarist, a good story teller, a skilled bed-tucker, and so much more; that by the time she would finish all the reasons why her father was amazing, time would have probably stopped.

They were currently sitting down in the living room. Russia was smiling cheerfully, Vash (who was in between Ivan and Gilberta) was trying not to lose his temper (as Liechtenstein said he needed to work on that), and Gilberta was right at home; lounging and propping her feet up on the glass coffee table. Monika smacked her feet away and cleared her throat,

"As you know now, my father is going to be returning home tonight…" Vash nodded in acknowledgement as Gilberta feigned interest in the subject, and casually scratched herself near her crotch area much like a middle-age man would do if he was watching football. Monika cringed, and continued to speak, "I expect you all to be on your _best_ behaviour. Got it?"

Ivan nodded, though Monika didn't know whether she could trust him or not, and Vash looked too preoccupied with trying to keep Gilberta from groping him without ripping the entire couch in half.

Monika sighed, and wondered whether or not she could return Gilberta to the company, and wandered off to look for the manual that came with her. Unfortunately, all it stated was 'good luck' instead of a 1-800 number she could call for help. So she turned over the crate in search of a company name.

"LolliDictator&Co." Monika read aloud as Ivan and Gilberta raced to raid her grandmother's fridge first while she was distracted. Monika spaced out and imagined a short, teenage girl wearing a sweet Lolita dress while smoking a Cuban cigar and sitting on a big lounge chair at the very top of a big, important looking building. She giggled to herself.

Then she remembered the grim situation she was in, and frowned. From the kitchen, she ignored the sounds of Ivan and Gilbeta fighting over the attention of Chirifu, who was so overwhelmed with all the new people, he decided to lay down and take a little nap in the middle of the kitchen. Vash appeared to be squeezing a stress ball that was in his pocket and muttering something under his breath.

"Oy, girl." Gilberta addressed Monika as she pondered over the possibility of just stuffing said unit in a box and shipping her off to Venezuela, "What's this?"

Monika turned around, and looked up from her position on the ground to see her holding up her thick, red binder, "That's my German binder."

Gilberta looked interested and, ignoring the looming presence of Vash behind her (who had decided that Gilberta shouldn't be trusted around small children), continued her small little 'interrogation', "You're leaning German?"

Monika felt a tad bit uncomfortable with the odd look that came upon the Prussian woman's face, "Y-yeah, in school." She gulped, a little bit, "I'm actually supposed to be finishing my homework right now…" She starched behind her left ear nervously.

"Oh _well then,_" Gilberta squatted to Monika's level, eyes brimming with mischief and curiosity, "Say something, _Mädchen._"

"Err um…etwas?" Monika cautiously answered.

Gilberta's mouth formed a firm line, before bursting out laughing,

"AHAHA, I like you _Mädchen, _you can hang out with me!" and she wrapped her arm around Monika's head and gave her a noogie.

"Ow." Monika flailed and tried to escape, but her efforts were wasted.

From the doorway, Vash sighed and rubbed his temples, mumbling something under the lines of, "I'm too old for this shit."

Ivan giggled, deciding that secretly ordering Prussia behind Monika's back really was a good idea after all.

* * *

Oh um, wow. Hi.

So I suddenly got a ton of followers for this story while I was busy doing other shit instead of updating.

Huh.

Well hi there! :D


End file.
